- Mummy is getting fatter. Again. I'm pretty sure this means that I will move down the ladder of Mummy Importance one more rung. Again. FFS.
- The fatter Mummy gets, the less patient she seems to be with me. I'm just trying to say hello at 4am sometimes. What's effing wrong with that? FFS.
- Millie is quite noisy so I often hide in my Fortress of Solitude all day, until approximately 6.50pm, when Millie is having her bottle and book before bed. I secretly enjoy a good story so I join the family on the couch for this. I try to show Millie I care by sitting on her, but she is unappreciative of my gesture. FFS.
- Millie has worked out where my Fortress of Solitude is, and Mummy and Daddy get upset when I hit her for bothering me in my Special Place. Is there no effing privacy anymore? FFS.
- I understand that Mummy often has her hands full with noisy Toddler all day, so when Millie is asleep I try to spend some quality time with Mummy. She is often on her computer, so I attempt to get her attention by systematically flicking everything off her desk and scratching the walls. I am often ejected from the desk area with force, and I just can't effing understand it, so I come back time and time again. Mummy, why don't you get it? I just want to be with you? FFS.
- I like to rejoice when all is silent in the house, and Millie is asleep. I show my joy by standing near Millie's closed door singing loudly 'Hooray! It's quiet again! Hooray!' Mummy and Daddy are not impressed with this. I mean, I hear them say 'Oh it's so nice and quiet now.' and that's all I'm doing. FFS.
- Daddy does not appreciate my slow walking in front of him when he's on his way through the house. I'm just trying to effing remind him to slow down, relax and smell the roses
cuddle me. That's all. FFS.
- Sometimes I have bad dreams in the middle of the night too, or I wake up having a panic that there's no food in my bowl. There's a monster in the kitchen, so I really need someone to come and show me where my food is, and to help me check for monsters. I know that sometimes Mummy and Daddy have been up 3 or 4 times with Millie, but hey, you signed up for parenthood. 5am is a perfectly decent time. FFS.
- Mummy, if you leave your glasses on your bedside table, when I need you to wake up and show me the food, I might
accidentallyknock them on to the ground, or between the bed and bedside. I understand that you can't see to actually find your glasses, but your blindness is not my fault. Show me the food please and let's hunt for monsters. FFS.
- This bathroom renovation affects us all. My privacy for the toilet in the bath? EFFING GONE. My second litterbox for wee and poo segregation? EFFING GONE. And it's back now, but an extra recepticle for water in the bathroom? EFFING GONE. FFS.
- I am glad that the shower is back for me to perfect my claw-to-glass technique, and as a back up toilet, but since Daddy fixed the shower door I can't seem to get in anymore. Is there no joy left in my life? FFS.
- Lastly, Mummy, stop staying up and spending time with Daddy. Once Millie's gone to bed, you need to scram so Daddy and I can have grown up time watching TV. At least I stay awake for the movies. FFS.
- No wait, one more thing. Mummy and Daddy, please stop forgetting my effing anxiety pills from the V-E-T. It's good for no one. I know they cost a small fortune, but I'm not sorry. FFS.